Chemical Analysis of a Woman
ELEMENT : Female Human
CHEM. SYMBOL : WO
DISCOVERER : Adam
ATOMIC WEIGHT : Accepted as 118 but is known to vary from 100 to 160
lbs (mutations have been known to exceed 400 lbs.)
OCCURRENCE : Surplus quantities in all urban areas
APPROVED
FORMULA : 36:24:36
USES : i) Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars
ii) Most powerful money reducing agent known
iii) Can be a great aid to relaxation or a
continuous source of frustration
PHYSICAL PROP. : i) Surfaces usually covered in painted film
ii) Boils at nothing and freezes without reason
iii) Melts if given the proper treatment
iv) Bitter if used incorrectly
v) Found in various states ranging from common
ore to virgin metal
vi) Non-magnetic but attracted by bank notes
vii) Yields to pressure applied at correct point
viii) In its natural state it varies considerably,
but the shape is often artificially changed to
conform to that of a perfect specimen. Such
transformations are only discovered by an
experienced eye
ix) In some instances may start to gain weight and
look like they have swallowed a basketball and
then proceed to take on qualities of a XEROX
copier and start to make copies
CHEMICAL PROP. : i) Possesses a great affinity for gold, silver,
platinum and precious stones
ii) Able to asorb great quantities of expensive
substances
iii) May explode spontaneously if left alone with
a male
iv) Insoluble in liquids but activity is
increased by saturation in alcohol
v) Properties are vastly improved if specimen is
placed in the dark
TESTS : i) Pure specimens turn a rosy tint if found in the
natural state
ii) Turns green if placed beside a better specimen
CAUTIONS : i) Highly dangerous except in experienced hands,
must be used with great care and patience if
experiments are to succeed
ii) It is illegal to possess more than one
permanent specimen but a certain amount of
exchange is permissable
