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	Beer's eKeg Laughs

Wisdom

a.k.a. One Liners to Put on your Dorm Door

• Everything is possible except skiing through revolving doors.
• God helps those who help themselves, the government helps the rest.
• If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
• To the uneducated, the letter A is just three sticks. -Winnie the Pooh
• Work is the curse of the drinking class.
• Today's Broadcast brought to you by Breakthrough Condoms.
• Earth First! We'll log the other planets later.
• If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
• May you perish by Eternal Bladder Pressure.
• Easy. A term for a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.
• Marriage. The number one cause of divorce.
• I hate people that think that their ass don't stink. -The Bloodhound Gang
• Computer virus of the month: The Hillary Clinton. Files disappear, only to reappear a year later in another directory.
• Wouldn't the world be a safer place if everyone flushed the toilet (and especially the urinal) with their elbows?
• If God were a college student he would not have created the earth in seven days. He would have procrastinated for six and then pulled an all-nighter.
• A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
• Sex on television can't hurt you, unless you fall off.
• Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
• If a tree falls in the woods, and it lands on a mime, does anyone care? -Gary Larson
• I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world because they'd never expect it.
• No amount of planning can equal good ole dumb luck.
• If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
• A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
• For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
• He who hesitates is probably right.
• Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
• No one is listening until you make a mistake.
• Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
• The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
• The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
• To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
• Two wrongs are only the beginning.
• Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached their level of incompetence.
• The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
• Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
• The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
• The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming train.
• Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
• A day without sunshine is like .... night.
• One the other hand... you have different fingers.
• 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
• 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
• Remember, half the people you know are below average.
• "Oh, Bother," said Pooh, as he saw the mushroom cloud.
• I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.
• Don't be so open-minded that your brains fall out.
• If at first you do succeed, try not to look surprised.
• The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
• On the other hand, the early worm gets eaten
• I drive way too fast to worry about cholestrol.
• I intend to live forever - so far so good.
• Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
• Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
• Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
• When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
• Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
• A clear conscience is usually a sign of a bad memory.
• Change is inevitable .. except from vending machines.
• The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and and stupidity.
• The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobdy appreciates how difficult it was.
• Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
• If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
• He who laughs last thinks slowest.
• Eagles may soar but weasels don't get sucked up jet plane engines.
• It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
• Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
• The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
• It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
• You can't have everything, where would you put it?
• Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
• If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
• The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
• Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.
• Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
• Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
• As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
• When you're swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray!
• A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
• It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
• Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
• I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
• I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
• When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
• Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
• Will Rogers never met a lawyer.
• Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on the back of a milk carton.
• He who dies with the most toys is still dead
• The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
• Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
• I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
• Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an idiot.
• If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?
• I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
• It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
• According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.
• Some people are alive only because it illegal to kill them
• Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
• Warning: dates on calendar are closer than they appear.
• Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
• We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart.
• Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
• Love. Two vowels, two consonants, two fools.
• Everybody wants to go to heaven but nobody wants to die.
• An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
• Falling in love is awfully simple. Falling out of love is simply awful.
• All things being equal, you lose.
• You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can't fool mom.
• No job is so simple that it cannot be done wrong
• You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
• Only adults have difficulty with childproof bottles.
• Disco is to music what the Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
• The sum of the intelligence on the planet is constant, but the population is increasing.
• Fundamental law of the universe. Nothing travels faster than a bouncing check.
• The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone too blame it on.
• Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your mouth.
• Sex is like air, it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
• Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyways.
• If vegetable oil is made of vegetables, what is baby oil made of?
• No guts, no glory. No brain, same story.
• Cocaine is God's way of telling you you make too much money.
• If quiters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool that first said, "Quit while you are ahead"?
• If you don't die from it it is healthy.
• Never sleep with anyone crazier than you.
• Everybody should believe in something: I believe I'll have another drink.
• It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
• If everything is going well, you don't know what the hell is going on.
• Sex is like snow. you never know how many inches you are going to get, or how long it will last.
• One good turn gets most of the blankets.
• There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when it comes to love.
• It is better to be looked over than to be overlooked.
• Women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place.
• Why is there a lock on the door to a 7-11? It is open 24 hours a day.
• If con is the opposite of pro, then would the opposite of progress be Congress?
• Duct tape is like the force. There is a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
• There are three kinds of people. Those who can count and those who can't.
• It is not what a teenager know that bothers his parents. It is how he found out!
• My homework is like a juicy steak-rarely done.
• There are two kinds of pedestrians, the quick and the dead.
• If elvis were alive right now, he'd be scratching at the inside of his coffin.
• 100,000 Lemmings can't be wrong
• I used to be a schizophrenic until they cured me, now I'm just lonely
• Reality is an illusion caused by the lack of alcohol
• Do to the other fellow as he would do unto you. But for God's sake do it first!
• Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honour, make him pay cash.
• Just when I was getting used to yesterday along came today
• A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.
• An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field
• In the beginning was the word - and the word was four bytes. (from the bible?)
• I looked up my wife's family tree. Most of her relatives are still climbing around in it.
• People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. They shouldn't nail up pictures either.
• Dead people are cool.
• An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less.
• If a woman wants to learn to drive don't stand in her way
• When faced with two evils, take the one you've never tried before.
• A seven day honeymoon makes one weak
• Money isn't everything. It isn't enough!
• Blow your mind - smoke gunpowder
• Always be sincere - Even when you don't mean it.
• Marijuana is nature's way of saying "high"
• A bank manager is someone who lends you an umbrella when the sun is shining, and who asks for it back when it start to rain.
• A man is as old as he feels. But never as important.
• A man is as old as the woman he feels.
• Old age is always 15 years older than I am
• A sene of humour is the difference between ambition and achievement
• Anyone who can see through a woman is missing a lot.
• Anyone who goes to see a psychiatrist, ought to have his head examined.
• Assassination is an extreme form of censorship.
• Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and miss.
• It is now beyond any doubt that cigarettes are the biggest cause of statistics.
• Just because you're paranoid it doesn't mean they aren't out to get you.
• Laugh and the world laughs with you. - Snore and you sleep alone.
• Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs louder.
• Laugh and the world thinks you are an idiot.
• Pros are people who do jobs well even when they don't fell like it
• The lion and the calf shall lie down together, but the calf won't get much sleep
• The usefulness of a meeting is inversely proportional to its attendance
• In any household, junk accumulates to fill the storage space available
• Don't force it - get a large hammer
• If little else, the brain is an educational toy
• Always tell her that she is pretty, especially when she isn't
• If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast
• God must love stupid people - He made so many
• Let's party! Get naked! Throw potato salad!
• I like you. But I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles
• People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
• Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall down an open manhole cover and die. -Mel Brooks
• Resistance is useless! (If < 1 ohm)
• Given a conflict, Murphy's law supercedes Newton's.
• If you aren't part of the solution, you're a precipitate.
• To err is human. And stupid.
• Procrastination means never having to say you're sorry.
• Being politically correct means always having to say you're sorry.
• Work is a fine thing if it doesn't take too much of your spare time.
• Some drink at the fountain of knowledge...others just gargle.
• Duct tape is applicable where truth and logic fail.
• You're never too old to learn something stupid.
• In case of nuclear war, prayer in schools will be okay.
• Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either.
• A closed mouth gathers no foot.
• Enough research will tend to support your theory.
• Even if you win the rat race, you're still a rat.
• A guy walked into a bar. He was treated for minor injuries.
• Eternal nothingness is fine if you're dressed for it.
• Get thee down. Be thou funky.
• Inside every short man is a tall man doubled over in pain.
• Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
• If you think nobody cares, miss a couple of payments.
• Don't judge a book by its movie.
• Smile, it makes people wonder what you're thinking.
• In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
• Practice makes perfeckt.
• Religions change, but beer and wine remain.
• Love thine enemies...it really pisses them off.
• Everyone loves a moose. Some just don't know it.
• A penny saved is 2.5 grams of zinc alloy.
• He's dead, Jim. You grab his wallet, I'll grab his tricorder.
• Sex is nobody's business but the three people involved.
• A Freudian slip is when you mean one thing and say your mother.
• Heck was created for those who refuse to believe in Gosh.
• A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
• When it comes to thought some people stop at nothing.
• Don't use a big word where a diminutive word will suffice.
• A steak a day keeps the cows dead.
• Silence is one great art of conversation.
• Statistics show every two minutes another statistic is created.
• The colder the X-Ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
• Complex problems have simple, easy-to-understand wrong answers.
• The pen is mightier than the sword, until it runs out of ink.
• Good generally conquers evil. Unless, of course, good is stupid.
• Fool-proof implies a finite number of fools.
• Life is unsure, always eat your dessert first.
• Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
• The Two Rules of Success: 1. Don't tell everything you know.
• The Earth is like a grain of sand, only bigger.
• Never draw fire; it irritates the people around you.
• A bird in the hand is the best way to eat chicken.
• A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
• A man's house is his hassle.
• Golf scores are directly proportional to the number of witnesses.
• A little greed can get you lots of stuff.
• Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
• Be alert...the world needs more lerts.
• Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune time.
• Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana. -Groucho Marx
• A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
• Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
• Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... until you can find a rock.
• Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let her sleep
• Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students!
• Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
• Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
• i souport publik edekasion
• Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.
• How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
• Birthdays are good for you - the more you have, the longer you live.
• Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.
• If Walmart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?
• Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
• If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?
• There are three religious truths: 1) Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. 2) Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith. 3) Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
• Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
• What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
• As you get older, you will read the Bible a whole lot more. You will not be attempting to find a deeper and more personal connection with your Lord and Savior. You'll be cramming for your final exam.
• If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
• You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
• If your father is a poor man, it is your fate. If your father-in-law is a poor man, it is your fault.
• Practice makes perfect. But nobody's perfect. So why practice?
• Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak.
• One should love animals. They are so tasty.
• Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.
• Your future depends on your dreams. So go to sleep.
• Hard work never killed anyone. But why take the risk?
• Work fascinates me. I can look at it for hours.

Contributors!
Michael J. Fiore
Andrea Beeks
Frank L.
Katie and Jess
Steph Misar
K.M.R.