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	Beer's eKeg Laughs

Quotable Quotes

"Clearly it's not the life I had before, but I laugh just as much."

O.J. Simpson during his ESPN interview on Thursday (15 Jan. 1998)

"Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself."

Mark Twain

"So, does this prove once and for all that size does matter?"

Golden Globe Award-winning director James Cameron (18 Jan. 1998), whose film "Titanic" is the most expensive in Hollywood history.

..."I've always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are vastly underpolluted."

Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why toxic waste should be exported to Third World countries

"We regret the incident but will not press charges.... [Bill] commented that one of the worst things about this whole thing was that the pie wasn't that tasty."

Erin Brewer, spokesman for Microsoft's Belgian office, after company chief Bill Gates was struck squarely in the face with a pie upon arrival at a meeting Wednesday (4 Feb. 1998) with business and government leaders in Brussels. Notorious prankster Noel Godin, who has previously targeted such celebrities as French film maker Jean-Luc Godard and actress Brigitte Bardot, claimed responsibility. "This was a victory for us. We will continue to send our burlesque messages," said Godin, adding, "Our secret is our number. There's about 30 of us and we operate in very small groups." Two were arrested but later released when Microsoft declined to press charges.

"I'm proud of my son. I think that spanking paid off, made a man out of him."

Vannie Maud Starr, mother of Whitewater independent counsel Kenneth Starr

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."

Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."

Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

"But what ... is it good for?"

Engineer at IBM, commenting on the microchip, 1968

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."

Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

"640K ought to be enough for anybody."

Bill Gates, 1981

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year."

The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

"This 'Telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us."

Western Union internal memo, 1876

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"

Dave Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s

"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible."

A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on the found Federal Express Corp.)

"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?"

H.M.Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927

"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper."

Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in 'Gone With The Wind'

"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make."

Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out."

Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962

"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible."

Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895

"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this."

Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3M 'Post-It' Notepads

"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you'. And they said 'No'. So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet'."

Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and HP interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer

"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools."

1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket work

"You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training."

Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the 'unsolvable' problem by inventing Nautilus

"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy."

Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859

"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."

Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."

Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guirre

"Everything that can be invented has been invented."

Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S.Office of Patents, 1899

"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction."

Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872

"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon."

Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria, 1873

"I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."

Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest responding the the question, "If you could live forever, would you and why?"

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."

Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."

Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."

Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."

Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."

Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."

A congressional candidate in Texas.

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."

John Wayne

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."

Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

Al Gore, Vice President

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."

Dan Quayle

"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another."

George W. Bush, US President

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"

Lee Iacocca

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version."

Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."

Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

Bill Clinton, President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."

Al Gore, Vice President

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."

Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."

Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."

Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

Contributed by
Tom Orr
JT