Puns
a.k.a. One-Liners
- Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank -- proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
- Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
- A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
- This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says,"I'll just have the eggs Benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?" The waiter says, "Well, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise."
- When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.
- A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
- Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocaine during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
- A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
- A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
- A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows readers digest and writers cramp.
- There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
- A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."
- Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that the soles of his feet became quite thick and hard. Being a very spiritual person, he ate very little, and often fasted. As a result, he was quite thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his diet, he ended up with very bad breath. Therefore, he came to be known as a "Super-callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis."
- A frog goes into a bank and approaches the loan officer. He can see from her nameplate that the loan officer's name is Patricia Whack.
So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says, "$30,000."
She asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK; he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says: "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"
The bank manager looks at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone"
- Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One turns to the other and says, "I think I've lost my electron." The other asks, "Are you sure?" "Yes," the first says, "I'm positive."
- A neutron walks into a bar. He asks the bartender for a drink. When it's served, he asks how much it will be. "For you," the bartender answers, "no charge."
Contributed by
Typo360
JT
Bean_Counter
