Beer's eKeg Main
	Beer's eKeg Laughs

Ole and Lena

Ole and Lena's Honeymoon

Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee. Giggling, Lena said, "Ole, you can go farther than that if you vant to." So Ole drove to Duluth.

Outhouse Problems

When the Norwegian accidentally lost 50 cents in the outhouse, he immediately threw in his watch and billfold. He explained, "I'm not going down dere yust for 50 cents."

Ve Couldn't Affore More

Two Norwegians from Minnesota went fishing in Canada and returned with only one fish. "The way I figger it, dat fish cost us $400" said the first Norwegian. "Vell," said the other one, "At dat price it's a good ting ve didn't catch any more."

Fingernails

One day Lena confided to her friend Hilda that she had finally cured her nervous husband, Ole, of his habit of biting his nails. "Good gracious," said Hilda, "How did yew ever dew that?" "It vas really simple," was Lena's reply. "I yust hid his false teeth."

Sandwich Machine

There was a sandwich machine in a gas station Sven and Ole stopped at on the way home from fishing. Sven didn't quite understand what the machine was about though. He went to the machine and paid his $1.50 and got one sandwich. He was surprised, and paid another $1.50 to the machine and received another sandwich. Finally he had a huge pile of sandwiches.
Ole came out of the restroom and was wondering what Sven was doing. "Sven, don't ya tink ya should stop now," asked Ole.
"Criminy jeez," replied Sven, "Not now! I'm yust starting to win big!"

Bowel Movement

Ole to a doctor at Mayo Clinic: "I've got a problem. I have a big bowel movement at 6 in da morning every day."
Doctor: "That sounds perfectly normal. Why are you so worried about it?"
Ole: "Yah, but I don't vake up until 7."

Lambeau Field Ticket

Toivo, a Finlander from Brantwood, finally gets a ticket to a Packer game. His seat is in the nosebleed section but that's OK - he's at Lambeau Field. So he starts looking around with his binoculars and sees a guy in one of the best seats in the stadium with an empty seat beside him. It looks like an old friend named Ole he knew when he went to school up north. This is driving Toivo nuts, so finally at half time, he goes down, says hello to his old friend, and asks Ole why he has a vacant seat in such a choice location.
Ole says, "My wife, Lena, and I bought dese here seats a long time ago. But sadly, my dear Lena has passed avay."
"Oh, I'm really sorry to hear dat", Toivo says, "but vhy didn't you give da ticket to anudder relative or a friend?"
Ole replies, "I tried to but everyone vanted to go to her funeral instead."

Short Time to Live

Ole went to the doctor for a physical. After Ole was dressed the doctor came in and said "I am sorry Ole, but you are very sick and have only a few weeks to live". Ole went home with a heavy heart to tell Lena the news. After Ole told Lena he sat in his easy chair and Lena went to the kitchen. Soon a heavenly aroma came from the kitchen. Lena was making his favorite cookies! "Lena must really love me" he thought. Ole went into the kitchen and started to take a cookie - Lena slapped his hand away and said "Get avay! Dese cookies aren't for you, dere for da funeral!"

Ballet

Lena decided that she and Ole needed a bit of culture so she purchased tickets to the ballet. That evening after watching the performance for about 30 minutes Ole leaned over to Lena and whispered in her ear, "I don't see vhy dey dance on their toes. Vhy don't dey yust get taller dancers?"

Ole and Sven Hunting

A few years back, on the opening day of deer season, Ole and Sven went hunting together. Sure enough, as was bound to happen with Ole and Sven in the same swamp with guns, Ole accidently shot Sven. Well, Ole jumps into the truck, drives down to the nearest bar and calls the ambulance. Soon, the police, game wardens, fire trucks, EMTs and the ambulance all show up at the scene of the tragedy. The EMTs work frantically on Sven while a nervous Ole waits nearby.
Finally, one of the exhausted paramedics comes over to Ole. "I'm sorry," she says, "We did everything we could. We just couldn't save him."
"OH NO!",cries Ole. "My only brudder! Vat vill I do? I'm so sorry, Sven! Vat could I have done to save you?"
"Well," said the EMT, with a look of disgusted anger on her face, "It would've helped a LOT if you hadn't gutted him out!"

Ole and Sven Boating

Ole and Sven were out fishing in the boat when Ole felt a tug on his line. When he reeled in his catch he discovered it was only an old lamp. While Ole was rubbing it dry there was a sudden 'poof' and a genie appeared out of the lamp. "Thank for freeing me from the lamp" said the genie. To show my gratitude I will grant you one wish".
After thinking for a few minutes Ole finally told the genie that his wish is for all of the water in the lake to turn into beer. At Ole's request the genie raised his hands and 'poof', the entire lake turned into beer.
"Dat vas perty stupid!" said Sven
"Vy vas dat so stupid?" asked Ole
"Because," Sven replied, "now ve gonna hafta pee in da boat."

Ole Pays His Tab

Ole goes into the bar after Lena had been out of town for a long while. He was in a bad mood and getting meaner by the drink. He finally ran out of money.
The bartender says to Ole, "Ya ain't gettin nothin free around here unless you can do three things. First, throw that big burly guy at the end of the bar out of here. He is the toughest son-of-a-gun that I know. Then, after you get rid of him, go out back and pull that bad tooth out from my snarly old dog. You’ll hear him out there growling. Last, there is my 80 year old grandma upstairs who hasn’t had any 'loving' in twenty years- go make her happy."
Ole, knowing that he is over a barrel, says, "Oh cripes!" and keeps drinkin his last drink. He finishes it, stands up, and says, "Okay, I’m ready for dat big mean son-of-a-bitch". He rushes over to the giant and all of a sudden chairs are crashing, bottles are breaking and there are lots of fists, teeth, and boots flying. Ole finally heaves him through the front window, staggers back to the bar, and says, "As soon as I catch my breath I'll take care of dat old dog of yours".
After a minute or two, Ole heads out back and all you can hear is growling and hollering and it sounds like the dog is winning. This goes on for 10-15 minutes and finally the old dog starts whimpering.
Ole comes staggerin' back in and says to the bartender, "Vell, dat vasn't as bad as I thought it vould be. Now, vhere is your old granny vith da bad tooth?".

Ole Always Brings Lena

When Ole went to play cards with da boys his friend Lars asked him, "Why is it when we play cards you bring your wife, when we go fishing you bring your wife, and when we go bowling you bring your wife."
Ole replied, "Have you noticed that Lena is kind of ugly? Dis way I don't never have to kiss her goodbye."

Ole and Sven Ice Fishing

Ole and Sven grabbed their poles and headed out to do some ice fishing. As they were augering a hole in the ice they heard a loud voice from above say, "There are no fish under the ice."
Ole an Sven moved about 25 feet over and started to make another hole. The voice said a little stronger, " There are no fish under the ice." They both looked around and then looked up.
Ole said in a humble voice, "Are you God?"
The voice spoke back, "No ya idiots! I'm the ice rink attendant."

Lena is Pregnant

Ole was taking Lena, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother Sven, sitting at his bedside. He asked Sven how Lena was and his brother replied, "Don't vorry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificate filed and both you and Lena vere unconscious so I named them for you."
Ole was thinking to himself, "Oh no, vat has he done now?" and said, "Well, what did you name them?"
Sven replied, "I named da little girl Denise."
Ole said, "Ya, dat's a very pretty name! And yust vat did you come up vith for my son?"
Sven smiled and replied, "Denephew."

From Norvay

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Vy sure," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Vere ya from?"
"Norvay," replies the second man.
The first man responds, "Ya don't say, I'm from Norvay too! Let's have anudder round to Norvay."
Curious, the first man then asks: "Vere in Norvay are ya from?"
"Bergen," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Bergen too! Let's have anudder drink to old Bergen."
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "So, vere did you live?"
"On a boat, at da fishin docks," replies the second man.
"Dis is unbelievable!," the first man says. "I lived on a boat at da fishin docks, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?," he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "Ole and his brother Sven are getting drunk again."

What is she Thinking

Little Ole decided one day to head for his favorite fishing spot down by the river. As he approached the stream located near some trees, Little Ole suddenly encountered a lady emerging from the river who had been skinny-dipping. When she spotted Little Ole, the lady ran toward an old washtub, abandoned in the trees and held it in front of her to shield her modesty. As she commenced looking for her clothes, she noticed Little Ole staring at her in fascination. Sternly she confronted Little Ole with an icy glare, saying "Young man, do you know what I'm thinking?"
"Sure," said Little Ole, "Yer tinking dat washtub has a bottom on it."

Ole Makes a Bet

Ole was in a tavern and a visiting Illinois flatlander was getting under his skin. Ole suggested to him: "I'll give you $200, if you let me smash ten beer bottles on your head." The obnoxious tourist thought for a while and finally agreed. Ole smashed the first bottle on the flatlander's head, then the second and so on, but he stopped after smashing nine bottles.
"So, when are you going to smash the tenth bottle?," asked the dazed and bloody FIB.
"I'm not a total idiot," Ole replied, "den I vould have to give ya dat $200."

Ole and Sven Building

Sven came over to help Ole put new siding on his house. They put on their nail aprons and grabbed their hammers. They were going at it like a couple of professionals when Ole noticed Sven doing something strange. Every once in a while Sven would pull a nail out of his apron and put it up to the siding. Instead of pounding it in he would throw it over his shoulder.
Ole said, "Hey Sven, what are you doing that fer?"
To which he said, "Some of dese nails is broke. Da head is on da wrong end."
Ole replied, "No, no Sven, dem nails is fer da udder side of da house."

Doc's Prescription

Ole went to the Doctor because he was feeling a little sick. After a few tests the Doctor told Ole, "I'm sorry to tell you that you have a rare disease that is incurable and you are going to die in 6 months. But to help you out I'm going to prescribe that you move in with your mother-in-law."
Ole replied, "Criminy, dat's bad Doc, but vy should I move in vit my old mudder-in-law."
The Doc said, "Because that will be the longest 6 months of your life."

Ole Dies

Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole.
Lena replied, "You yust put 'Ole died'."
The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, "That's it? Just 'Ole died?' Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If its money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something more."
So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O.K. You put 'Ole died. Boat for sale.' "

Ole and Lena Ride a Train

Ole and Lena were on their very first train ride. They had brought along bananas for lunch. Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long, dark tunnel.
"Have you eaten your banana yet?" Ole asked excitedly.
"No, " replied Lena.
"Vell don't touch it den, " Ole exclaimed. "I yust took vun bite and vent blind!"

Ole in Trouble

Ole was walking through the mountains of the Northwoods on his way to visit Lena. He was thinking more about the supper he knew she had planned for him instead of where he was walking. All of a sudden he slipped and slid over the edge of the cliff beside the mountain path. About 20 feet down, and with several hundred more feet to go, he frantically grabbed onto a bush that moved but held for the moment.
There he was, hanging by a bush above certain death, and his hands began to perspire and tire almost immediately. "Iss anyone up dere?" Ole hollered.
"I'm here Ole," came the deep voice from above.
"Who's dere? Can ya help me?" Ole yelled back.
The voice answered, "It's the Lord, Ole. Let go and I will save you."
Ole looked down, and he looked up, and he looked at his slipping hands, and he looked down again, and he looked up again.
Finally, he yelled back up the side of the cliff, "Is anyone else up dere?"

Ole and Sven Get a Deer

Ole and Sven were out deer hunting in da northwoods. Sven shot a really nice buck and Ole was helping him pull it out of the woods. They had a rope tied to one of the hind legs and they were pulling and struggling, going through the deep snow with the other three legs sticking out and getting caught on every clump of brush and whatnot along the way.
About that time the Game Warden came along. After checking their licenses, he said, "You know, it would be easier if you fellas tied the rope to the antlers and pulled him head first. Then the legs wouldn't get caught on everything."
Ole looked at Sven and said, "By golly, I tink he's right."
The Game Warden went on his way and Ole and Sven re-tied the rope to the antlers and started pulling. It was a lot easier. After about twenty minutes, Sven said, "Ole, dat Game Warden sure was right. Dis is a lot easier, but aren't ve getting furder avay from da truck?"

Ole and Sven Camping

Ole and Sven were taking a vacation in Sven's new camper. As usual, they'd become lost and were wandering around a strange town trying to find the highway. Sven was just starting down a grade to go under a bridge when he slams on the brakes.
Ole: Vat da heck you do dat for, Sven?
Sven: Dat sign dere says "Low Bridge. No Vehicles Over Twelve Feet High." Dis here camper is t'irteen feet!
Ole: Cripes almighty Sven, dere ain't no cops around. Yust hit da gas pedal and go for it!

Ole and Sven Job Hunting

Sven and Ole were out looking for a job, and they got an interview at a trucking company. The boss was asking them questions, and he says to Sven,
"Sven, pretend that you're driving the truck in the mountains and Ole is asleep in the back. You're going downhill, when all of a sudden your brakes go out. What do you do?"
Sven says, "Well, da first ting I'd do is wake up Ole."
"Why's that?", asked the boss.
"Because he's never seen an accident before!"

Ole and Lena get Pulled Over

One fine spring day, Ole decided to take Lena for a drive in his new car. As they were driving through town, a policeman pulled them over and told Ole that he was doing 50 miles an hour in a 30 zone.
"Oh, no", Ole protested, "I vas only doing thirty, Officer."
"No, you were doing fifty", replied the cop.
"Really, Officer, I vas only doing thirty", Ole replied stubbornly.
"Well", sniffed the cop, "I clocked you doing fifty!"
At that point, Lena, sitting in the back seat and trying to be helpful, spoke up. "Officer...you really shouldn't argue vit Ole ven he's been drinking."

Contributed by S.A.R.