As published, The Ohio State Lantern, on Monday 27 Sep 1999, Page 4, Column.

Commode is flush with deep thoughts

The Brothers Vred - Harmon K. & Big Al Vredeveld

Mark Twain once said there were only two certainties in life: death and taxes. But he was wrong, and the Brothers Vred would like to point out another certainty of life – defecation.

It's a known fact that all of our great philosophies and inventions were created on the porcelain throne. And it's well nigh the only place Americans read anymore. From the cold sterility of the Schottenstein Center, to the inviting warmth of the vomit-strewn confines of the South Heidelberg, the restroom says a lot about a person or a place. And that's why Big Al and Harmon K. spend so much time there – that, and the high-fiber diet.

Once when Big Al and Harmon K. were hanging with their homeys at Woody's Place – current employer of John Roszkowski – some fool piped up that he had to use the "bathroom." Big Al and Harmon K. whipped around and, like The Rock, laid the smack down on his candy-ass. This goes beyond a pet peeve because there IS a vital distinction between a "bathroom" and a "restroom." This is how it is: a "bathroom" is found exclusively in private residences. It is a "bathroom" regardless of whether a bathing facility is present. A "restroom" implies a urinating/defecating facility in a government, commercial, social, or otherwise public structure. The name hearkens back to a more civilized age, in which couches, powder-bars and ashtrays made "restrooms" a place where distinguished gentlemen preferred to "rest." Thus, if you want to be cool like the Brothers Vred, you say "where's the bathroom?" at a party and "is this the restroom?" at a restaurant. Of course, you can skirt the issue entirely by asking for the "lavatory."

Which brings us to another point. Now Big Al and Harmon K. are as feminist as the next guy, but we don`t like the double standard and prissy "etiquette" about leaving the toilet seats up. We're not making excuses, but we think physiology is more important than politeness. The fact is indisputable: men cannot urinate accurately while standing up. Of course, men could sit down to pee, but would you want to hang out with a guy who did that? The idea disturbs us immensely. Here`s our proposal: forget about making men put the toilet seats down. A more democratic alternative is to follow majority rule. In a female-majority household, by all means continue to put the seat down. But in a male-dominated abode, don't be surprised and don't be insulted when the toilet seat is up. This is the de facto rule anyway; all we want is to remove the snobbish disdain. The good of the many outweighs the needs of a few. That's why, at the Brothers' Vred place, you'll find the seat proudly erect. Until the ladies show up.

Harmon K. and Big Al are of one mind on the above issues. But one topic deeply divides them. They rarely discuss it because it inevitably leads to fisticuffs, Stone Cold Stunners and Big Al's re-admission to the ER. More important than abortion and flag-burning is the debate over whether the toilet paper should hang over the front or over the back. Front-hangers and back-hangers will never agree, and this issue will forever balkanize our country. All we can do is continue to slug it out.

BIG AL: As I glance back along the road of my life, there are many milestones – but I remember fondly the first doobey-doo all by myself. And that day the toilet paper was hanging front. Since then, anything but front paper just doesn`t seem right. It's what I grew up with. Besides, the majority of Americans prefer to hang it out front. So does Ann Landers.

HARMON K: Hang the paper over the back. 'cause it looks better and it's easier to use over the back and it don`t keep rollin' out and fallin' all over the floor. And the tissue hangs flush against the wall instead of flappin' around. More important is that the paper is easier to rip from the back. My study of the issue shows that you have to rip front-hung paper at an awkward 88 degree angle from the wall or use two hands. Otherwise it won`t separate and nothing looks worse than re-rolled front-hung toilet paper that you know was pulled all over the floor. When it's over the back, you can continue to sit on the pot, rip at an easy 53 degrees with the added leverage, and know that you look good doing it. Don't mess.

Well, there it is. The Brothers Vred welcome all the freshmen to our fine institution and we look forward to entertaining you in the weeks to come. Happy toilet use!

Harmon K. is a senior zoology/history major. Big Al is a sophomore CIS major. They hail from Upper Arlington and are too disenchanted to replace the used toilet paper roll, so the new one just sits on top of the tank. View past columns at members.xoom.com/brothersvred

Copyright 1999 The Ohio State Lantern